Huh…..

I’m not in a rush to immediately change anything. I think I finally understand what all those “bullshit” Instagram posts are about – feel the moment, the past is the past you can’t change it, the future is the future and you can’t predict it, right now is all you have, the present is a gift… Blah Blah Blah – #YAWN

I have Cattfish & The Bottlemen blaring at 22:04 my children are at their Fathers, I have opened a rather expensive bottle of red wine, which I don’t appear to be savouring – or maybe I am, I just don’t realise it.

I have been thinking recently about the last two years, who has come, gone and stayed in my life, and what I’ve learnt from the first one(s);

Person Number 1 and maybe 2:

Let’s be honest; if I could go back and talk to myself about this one (albeit my previous statement, the past is the past etc etc) I would go and have a little chit chat and tell me to get out sooner! Cue manic laughter and head in hands!

However, that said, I learnt something from this total shitshow of a relationship. I learnt that I wasn’t ready for one.

That what I was crying out for was to be loved, put first, wanted, needed, worth it, and that I needed comfort and someone that I could always, no matter what rely on.

I realise at this point I seem unfair.  This is what I FELT, what I FELT was missing from my previous relationships, from me. That does not mean that the other people in those relationships were not giving me everything that they could.

I was watching some shit on TV (which I never do) and I was “enlightened” (I’m aware I sound like a total wanker)

If you’re a Barrel of Love, you give your all, and your all is…..  Barrels and Barrels full of love, empathy, friendship, care and support. However, if you’re with someone that gives  Pint sized, then all the love, friendship, care and support that they are capable of giving is Pint sized. This is absolutely fine!!!!!  IF they are with someone who is also a Pint because they fill the other person and their all is more than enough. But one Pint cannot fill a barrel. If you’re a barrel you need a barrel full of love, friendship, care and support in order to be able to feel it, to feel full.

What was missing from my past relationships, for me,  was someone in my corner, cheering me on from the side lines, telling me that I could do it, that the struggles would be worth it, that life is hard and when you have a broken heart you need someone to pick up all the tiny shards and slowly piece it all together, to make your heart and soul whole again, to love you Barrel loads…

That person is you, was me, yourself, myself, YOU, ME! I was that person. No-one can do that for you no one person could do that for me. It is not the responsibility of someone else to fix me. Especially if that person (Person Number 1 and maybe 2) is also broken.

Through this relationship, and a couple of constants in my life (who never get a mention or anywhere near enough thanks) I learnt that I am capable of so much more than I ever thought, that even though I sometimes feel that I tore my own heart out, I made the right choices the year before, That although I was broken (and always will be a little) the broken parts let the light in. Piece by piece (with A LOT! of help) I have put myself back together. If I had not been shattered, I wouldn’t have this new imperfect version of whole, that I am so totally in love with.